Things Peas Don’t Go In: Everything

I don’t talk about them much, mostly because I feel like they are the troll of the legume world and maybe if you don’t feed them they will go away, but I’ve known since I was a small child that peas are a blight on the otherwise mostly okay vegetation of this world.

pea-fiber-bspSo you can imagine how horrified I was when I saw this article in the NY Times that suggested it was a perfectly fine and even desirable to put peas in your guacamole.

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This is possibly the most offensive thing I’ve ever seen, and I regularly troll Donald Trump’s Twitter page. I don’t know what that is, but it isn’t guacamole. (Also, sunflower seeds? Who does that?)

We don’t have to let the devil’s legume win though. Adversity will unite us. Already, the fight against this abomination has received bipartisan support.

You’re probably wondering what you can do. I considered making a Change.org petition to send to the NY Times about retracting this article, but the damage is already done. I can’t unsee that image. So just, if you see anyone attempt to do this, punch them. Punch them right in the face. Do it for guacamole. Do it for the children. Do it for every recipe ever that has had to share ingredient space with this vegetable troll. But mostly, do it because if enough people are punched we can start a revolution. Be the change!

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Warm Beer

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Text Beer – Anniversary

I originally made this comic in November 2011 and it’s since become (to my continual surprise) one of my most popular posts, which is kind of embarrassing because the drawings are kind of terrible in a would be cute if drawn by a 5-year-old kind of way. It’s also really crazy to me that I’ve been blogging for that long. Actually, last month was my blog’s four-year anniversary! (WordPress has congratulated me by sending continual reminders that my domain is about to expire that I’ve been ignoring a la Adobe.) Anyway, thank you to everyone who continues to visit. I never imagined I would keep up blogging for this long because I never imagined that anyone would actually ever visit. Thanks for proving me wrong!

And now, without further ado, a really poorly made comic I made four years ago that everyone seems to like anyway!

I think I’m the only one who thinks it’s funny to text someone sitting next to you.

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Plutonium Relationships

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*In case you’re curious, Lifeline is a choose-your-own-adventure style game. My unpaid for opinion is, it’s a really unique and engaging app, but it’s also a pretty short game that you really only get two plays out of (pretty much the only game I’ve allowed notifications to be on for!). I have a few other knit-picky issues with it, but I did have fun with it and I’ve spent $3 in worse ways. Like the other week when I bought a bunch of bananas and then promptly smashed them in the car. (I ate them anyways.)

**Also, I made-up the title from an earlier draft where I made a joke about “plutonium” relationships (get it, like platonic! cause I was talking about radiation!), but I wasn’t sure if the joke came through or not. Sometimes I get a little carried away with the really obscure puns I make up. (Please tell me you got it so I can have an excuse to include more obscure puns. I really truly believe the world desperately needs more obscure puns.)

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British Period Pieces

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Are you on Facebook or Twitter? So am I! Follow me and always be up-to-date on blog posts and mediocre banter!

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Every Time You’re Sick Ever

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How to Hang Your Toilet Paper

I know what you’re thinking, is this an April Fool’s post?

It’s not. It’s a very important discussion. On toilet paper roll etiquette.

You’re probably aware that there are two schools of thought on toilet paper hanging – the over method and the under method.

toiler paper

For decades, this dispute has pitted spouse against spouse and friend against friend.

However, that all just changed. In case you’re behind on toilet paper news, a very important discovery was recently made that would end an age-old debate and once and for all prove the correct way to hang your toilet paper roll – the 124-year-old toilet paper patent!

124-year-old-patent-solves-the-over-versus-under-toilet-paper-roll-debateThe patent is pretty self-explanatory, but after sharing this wonderful discovery on Twitter, I learned that there are some people who refuse to believe. Heather at Becoming Cliche and I got into a discussion and decided the only way to put this issue to rest was to have a civilized blog debate. I am on Team Correct-Way-to-Hang-Your-Toilet-Paper (over), and Heather is on the other non-patented way (under).

A Little History on the Toilet Paper Roll

Some form of toilet paper has been around for centuries, but Mr. Seth Wheeler is the “official” inventor of rolled and perforated toilet paper and his company was the first to sell toilet paper on a roll. Below is some riveting language taken directly from his patent (emphasis mine):

Be it known that I, SETH WHEELER, of the city of Albany, in the State of New York, have invented certain new and useful Improvements in Wrapping or Toilet Paper Rolls, of which the following is a full, clear, and exact description, reference being had to the accompanying drawings, forming a part of this specification.

…The perforations or other lines of weakness extend only partly across the composite web and break joints with each other, as shown in Fig. 1, whereby there will always be left one end of a sheet extending down in advance of the adjoining sheets, and the pull on the paper by the hand enables the user to always withdraw a sheet without manipulating the fixture with the other hand.

(Am I the only one who thinks he sounds a little snarky? Like, okay Seth, we get it, your toilet paper roll idea is really great. Can we just eat one meal without hearing about it again?)

Anyway, we better move on because I’m not sure how long I can retain your interest on toilet paper.

According to the patent, we’re supposed to be able to get a piece of toilet paper using only one hand and the next sheet should be left hanging down ready and waiting for the next user (it’s only polite), and the only way this could ever work is by using the over method.

After doing a lot of serious scientific research though, I discovered the real problem with the under method is, it was conceived by a masochist. I mean, I like some self-flagellation as much as the next person (so not so much), but no one likes their toilet paper messed with.

Torture Example as evidenced by the Under method

Toilet-paper-underOh, you needed some toilet paper? Sure! You just have to find the end first! But even if you manage to tear apart the roll to create an end, it drapes against your wall, and I have to ask you, how often do you clean your wall?

So you can try the easy-to-use over method…

Toilet-paper-overOr you can go insane. It’s up to you.

Toilet paper crazyIn the interest of a fair discussion though, please go over to Heather’s blog to continue this important debate. Even though there’s no debate. There’s obviously only one right way. Right? (And no April Fool votes, remember, this is a serious discussion!)

Posted in Human Interactions, Observations, PSAs | Tagged , , , , , , , | 31 Comments

Morning People

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My tolerance for mornings is just steadily going down.

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