Every so often the Husband and I look at each other and say, “We should be healthy!” It’s not that we’re not healthy, I’d say we eat healthier than the average American, but sometimes I’ll buy some jalapeno poppers or something and feel guilty about it for the next several weeks.
One day, after I vowed to get really healthy, I did some research online and decided what we really needed to do was detox. If you don’t know, a detox diet basically claims it will clean out your entire system by eliminating everything good in life. This includes eliminating all dairy, sweeteners, gluten, soy, alcohol, and caffeine. Basically, we were only allowed to eat raw vegetables because even fruit was off-limits for the first few days.
Despite the fact that I had just graduated from college several months before, where I lived on a diet of Top Ramen, popcorn, and Diet Coke, I was convinced I could do it. I bought the necessary groceries and pictured myself becoming all kinds of awesome after I finished the diet.
I felt pretty good when I set out on the first day. For breakfast, I had nothing since I always skipped breakfast. I couldn’t have any caffeine so I decided to have some chamomile tea instead, which did nothing except make me sleepy. As lunch got closer though, I started panicking a bit about how hungry I was getting (probably due to my caffeine withdrawal).
My lunch consisted of carrots, celery, and broccoli.
I grudgingly ate my lunch, but I wasn’t happy about it. As the day wore on, I felt worse and worse.
I somehow dragged myself home and collapsed on the couch and not long after the husband got home too and sat down with me.
Me: How do you feel?
Husband: Awful.
Me: Yeah, me too.
Husband: So, do you want to make the call or should I?
Me: You do it. I might feel slightly less guilty if I don’t.
Husband: Ok, what do you want on it?
Me: Pepperoni, please.
So yeah, my detox diet lasted less than a day. Don’t judge me.
You just get funnier every time!
your post couldn’t be more timely – I was on the verge of buying that book, “The 17 Day Diet”! thank you for saving me $25. (I know, that’s maybe not the detox diet you had in mind.)
Don’t do anything that eliminates caffeine, that’s all I have to say.
Been there, ate that. You need recipes, girl! Lemme know if you change your mind, and I’ll send some your way. Here’s a favorite: http://liveyourbliss.wordpress.com/2010/04/14/raw-demo-rainbow-tabouli/.
Whenever I read a detox diet I always think that it would just be easier to enter into a voluntary coma and be fed by saline drip. I get to the end of the “don’t” and they leave off “don’t enjoy life, whatever you do” every time.
Be wary of ANYTHING that promises you fast, rapid, instant, before-you-know it results but only if you buy something from them. Most will never act on their money-back guarantee. And most have such stringent rules that if you break one, then you naturally think it’s YOUR fault that the danged thing didn’t work. So they end up with your money and you end up with guilt and you still feel like crap.
Wow, you are like a superwoman for even trying. I find exercise and reduced portion size a lot easier. No one, I mean nothing on this earth is taking my chocolate, sugar and sweets away from me.
LOL
HAHAHA Pepperoni please
I love this.
Ha ha ha, so funny.
I love food to much to give it up. Now, all I need to do is fill my closet with elastic waist pants and I’m set. :p
I HAD A GREAT LAUGH! THANK YOU!
can’t get enough of your wit!
I’ve definitely been there! I tried a detox diet that consisted of disgusting red liquid, disgusting chalk like tablets, and almonds. That’s it. After 2 days I made an emergency run to Taco Bell. Yup… Taco Bell.
OMG I thought it was just me and my husband that did this….