The other day Husband informed me that he found some wasp’s nests being built outside around the house. Honestly, there’s probably nothing he could have said that would have freaked me out more.
Let’s make one thing clear, I hate wasps. You know that person who runs out of a room when they come across something that scares them? That’s me. Not that I do that with everything that freaks me out. Once I was camping and a rattlesnake slithered up to me. Did I run or scream? No, I moved calmly away and everything was fine. Because I trust rattlesnakes more than I trust wasps.*
Wasps, if you aren’t familiar with them, are spindly, vindictive, evil creatures that mock you and then cause extreme pain.
They hover around you without ever actually looking like they’re moving. That, friends, is called Black Magic, and you should stay away from it, particularly when it’s being wielded by a wasp.
Once, I actually managed to face a wasp. It was in the inside of a curtain and I could see its menacing silhouette through it. Normally, when being faced with a wasp, I will just take my alcohol and leave, but in this case it was hanging out in the room I was sleeping in. Some people might tell you that wasps go dormant in the winter. These people are not your friends. Because this was in the middle of winter and all of 10°F outside and a wasp was in my bloody room.
Anyway, I knew I had to get rid of the wasp if I was ever going to sleep or move freely again, and at this moment I happened to be shielded by the curtain. I looked around for weapons, and the only thing I found was an empty water glass. It would have to do.
Approaching the wasp was the hardest part because it screamed against every logical instinct I had. I was terrified of only managing to maim it, which only increases a wasp’s “I’m going to fuck you” response, but I had to try.
I slammed the bottom of the cup against the wasp’s silhouette, but something was wrong. The curtain was too tight, so I couldn’t fully smash its body. It started to fly around, looking for the nearest exit, which was when I really started to panic. The closer I got to killing it, the more insane and manic I started to feel.
And that is how I killed my first wasp.
*I don’t recommend trusting rattlesnakes, but they probably are less malevolent than wasps.