Internet, I have a confession to make.
I’ve been thinking about this confession a lot in the last year or so, and honestly I’ve been afraid of coming out with it. It may be enough to get me kicked out of the Internet forever. Yes, it is that shocking.
I know what you’re thinking. What, does she murder baby unicorns for their pelts and use the money to advocate for prohibition?
No, I’m afraid you might think it’s worse. I’m just going to say it.
I don’t like corgis.
There. It’s done. I said it. I don’t like them. I don’t think they’re cute. And I just don’t get the obsession with them. (Have you unfollowed me yet?)
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I don’t wish them any harm. I’m sure they have a lovely personality. And they are a living being, and as a living being they deserve a sort of grudging respect.
But are they really dogs? I’d like to present Theory 1: Are Corgis Actually Slugs?
I’m sure even you, Internet, corgi lover that you are, can appreciate the similarities here.
I mean, yeah, they’re cute as “puppies,” but I feel like maybe there’s some sort of conspiracy going on about their “cuteness.” It’s like the Emperor’s New Clothes or something. You know, everyone pretends he’s got this really great outfit on but really he’s just balls deep in nudity? And then there’s that one innocent who speaks up and says, “But he’s naked!” Well, the Internet doesn’t have any innocents (of course), so you got stuck with us cynics instead. (Sorry, we’re not as cute.)
I mean, don’t get me wrong, corgis aren’t all that is wrong with the dog world. Humans have been playing Mad Scientist with the canine species since the dawn of time.
Of course all these poor creatures deserve good homes. I’m just saying Nature would never have let a dog without legs become a “thing.”
And you know what’s worse? Not only do these poor legless dogs exist, but these sick people are running around making perfectly good dog breeds also into corgis.
If you have a strong stomach, I challenge you to look at this page. Look and weep at the horror you have wrought, Internet. Just no longer ask me to sit silently and watch.
I’ll just be over here now waiting for my eviction notice.