Texts with My Husband

Welcome to another edition of “Texts with My Husband,” where I pass off texts message conversations as blog material because I was too lazy busy to do a real post!

In case you’re new to this game, I’m over on the right in the blue, and my poor husband is over there in the grays. Don’t worry though, he’s an approved commenter! (That was a Kinja joke.) (Nevermind.)

midge

He doesn’t think so, but the Midge is a good name for this car. Midges are small flies. Flies are annoying and mostly useless. This car is annoying and mostly useless. #restscase

criminal

Posting this will one will probably get me in trouble with the law one day, but at least I have proof that he was complicit.

cats

This is when he didn’t tell me I had a package, and everyone knows that receiving a package is the greatest thing that can possibly happen to you in a day, and I’m still kind of mad at him about it.

puppy

Alfie is a male dog friend that our dog hangs out with on occasion. Apparently he thinks she’s old enough to date. SHE’S NOT!

bacon

This was after we got back from Ireland. I’m still looking for investors, btw. I don’t care what anyone says, their ham bacon is NOT real bacon. (I mean, it’s good in its own way, but NOT bacon.)

Posted in Marriage | Tagged , , , , , | 16 Comments

Being Reincarnated as a Cat

BeingCat 1 BeingCat 2 BeingCat 3 BeingCat 4 BeingCat 5 BeingCat 6 BeingCat 7 BeingCat 8

It’s late and I feel like this post got a little rambling, but the end story is I could never be a cat because I like to sleep too much, which is a real dilemma because that’s the whole point of being cat. Well, that and knocking things off tables.

Posted in Cats and Cats, Marriage | Tagged , , , , , | 24 Comments

Castle Ghost

Castle 1 Castle 2 Castle 3 Castle 4 Castle 5 Castle 6 Castle 7 Castle 8 Castle 9

There really should be an Olympic sport for freaking yourself out when you really mean to freak someone else out. I really would win the gold.

P.S. I really did get to stay in a castle though – we just got back from a vacation to Ireland, which has more castles per square mile than anywhere else in the world (note: I made that up, but they really do have a lot). It was my first trip to Europe and I already want to plan my next (after I get out of debt from this one). I will probably have some more posts inspired from our trip. And at some point we need to discuss the fact that the only American beer any pub had was Coors Light (sorry, husband wants me to correct that there was also Budweiser, but I decline to see the difference). Not only is that just pure sadness, but it’s also just really bad foreign policy. Guys, we really do have good beer. I promise.

Posted in Holidays, Marriage, Paranoid | Tagged , , , , , , | 52 Comments

Repost: I’m Not an Alcoholic

The post below is from July 2011. I swear, I’m still not an alcoholic.

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The husband was reading the last two weeks of my blog and when he was done he looked up at me and said, “Wow, you sound like an alcoholic.” Apparently, I talk about drinking too much. I promise though, I’m not. I’m afraid you don’t trust me now though, so I’ve contacted people I’ve known throughout my life to give a character reference for me.

Here’s Mr. Reynold, my 12th grade calculus teacher.

Ok, that was probably a bad place to start, math was never my strong suit. Here, talk to one of my coworkers, she loves me.

Sigh, I just like coffee.

Oh look, here’s my granny. She’s known me my whole life, so she can tell you what I’m like.

Well, this isn’t going the way I planned. Here’s my primary care physician, maybe she can convince you.

I swear, I’m very honest on all my medical forms. Seriously, I am.

Posted in Human Interactions, Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Repost: Migraine or Tumor

Hey, guys! I’m not going to be able to post for the next few weeks, but I didn’t want to totally leave you hanging, so I scheduled a couple of old favorites. Now is also a good time to appreciate that I’ve gotten a lot recognizably better with my drawing pad! The post below is from October 2011.

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For a long time I’ve suffered from chronic migraines. Migraines are like headaches, except they make you want to die.

It’s a running joke between me and the Husband that my body just doesn’t want me to ever have a good time.

My longest migraine lasted just over three weeks. Since normal people can’t take three weeks off of work and head to the spa for a diamond peel microdermabrasion to feel better (I AM THE 99%!), I existed as a hazy shell of myself.

Having a migraine is like having the worst superpower ever. All your senses are heightened, but your brain gets confused with all the messages so it just turns everything into pain.

Chronic migraines also have the added effect of making me paranoid.

I still have a hard time believing though that my body would just randomly cause me horrible pain for no real reason, but maybe my body is just a dick like that.

Posted in Observations, Paranoid | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

Things Peas Don’t Go In: Everything

I don’t talk about them much, mostly because I feel like they are the troll of the legume world and maybe if you don’t feed them they will go away, but I’ve known since I was a small child that peas are a blight on the otherwise mostly okay vegetation of this world.

pea-fiber-bspSo you can imagine how horrified I was when I saw this article in the NY Times that suggested it was a perfectly fine and even desirable to put peas in your guacamole.

dj-take-articleLarge

This is possibly the most offensive thing I’ve ever seen, and I regularly troll Donald Trump’s Twitter page. I don’t know what that is, but it isn’t guacamole. (Also, sunflower seeds? Who does that?)

We don’t have to let the devil’s legume win though. Adversity will unite us. Already, the fight against this abomination has received bipartisan support.

You’re probably wondering what you can do. I considered making a Change.org petition to send to the NY Times about retracting this article, but the damage is already done. I can’t unsee that image. So just, if you see anyone attempt to do this, punch them. Punch them right in the face. Do it for guacamole. Do it for the children. Do it for every recipe ever that has had to share ingredient space with this vegetable troll. But mostly, do it because if enough people are punched we can start a revolution. Be the change!

Posted in Human Interactions, PSAs | Tagged , , , , , , | 45 Comments

Warm Beer

WarmBeer 1 WarmBeer 2 WarmBeer 3 WarmBeer 4 WarmBeer 5 WarmBeer 6 WarmBeer 7 WarmBeer 8

Posted in Human Interactions, Marriage | Tagged , , , , | 8 Comments

Text Beer – Anniversary

I originally made this comic in November 2011 and it’s since become (to my continual surprise) one of my most popular posts, which is kind of embarrassing because the drawings are kind of terrible in a would be cute if drawn by a 5-year-old kind of way. It’s also really crazy to me that I’ve been blogging for that long. Actually, last month was my blog’s four-year anniversary! (WordPress has congratulated me by sending continual reminders that my domain is about to expire that I’ve been ignoring a la Adobe.) Anyway, thank you to everyone who continues to visit. I never imagined I would keep up blogging for this long because I never imagined that anyone would actually ever visit. Thanks for proving me wrong!

And now, without further ado, a really poorly made comic I made four years ago that everyone seems to like anyway!

I think I’m the only one who thinks it’s funny to text someone sitting next to you.

Posted in Human Interactions, Observations | Tagged , , , , , , , | 17 Comments