Detox Diet Death

Every so often the Husband and I look at each other and say, “We should be healthy!” It’s not that we’re not healthy, I’d say we eat healthier than the average American, but sometimes I’ll buy some jalapeno poppers or something and feel guilty about it for the next several weeks.

One day, after I vowed to get really healthy, I did some research online and decided what we really needed to do was detox. If you don’t know, a detox diet basically claims it will clean out your entire system by eliminating everything good in life. This includes eliminating all dairy, sweeteners, gluten, soy, alcohol, and caffeine. Basically, we were only allowed to eat raw vegetables because even fruit was off-limits for the first few days.

Despite the fact that I had just graduated from college several months before, where I lived on a diet of Top Ramen, popcorn, and Diet Coke, I was convinced I could do it. I bought the necessary groceries and pictured myself becoming all kinds of awesome after I finished the diet.

I felt pretty good when I set out on the first day. For breakfast, I had nothing since I always skipped breakfast. I couldn’t have any caffeine so I decided to have some chamomile tea instead, which did nothing except make me sleepy. As lunch got closer though, I started panicking a bit about how hungry I was getting (probably due to my caffeine withdrawal).

My lunch consisted of carrots, celery, and broccoli.

I grudgingly ate my lunch, but I wasn’t happy about it. As the day wore on, I felt worse and worse.

I somehow dragged myself home and collapsed on the couch and not long after the husband got home too and sat down with me.

Me: How do you feel?

Husband: Awful.

Me: Yeah, me too.

Husband: So, do you want to make the call or should I?

Me: You do it. I might feel slightly less guilty if I don’t.

Husband: Ok, what do you want on it?

Me: Pepperoni, please.

So yeah, my detox diet lasted less than a day. Don’t judge me.

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22 Responses to Detox Diet Death

  1. FredK says:

    You just get funnier every time!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Anonymous the Great says:

    your post couldn’t be more timely – I was on the verge of buying that book, “The 17 Day Diet”! thank you for saving me $25. (I know, that’s maybe not the detox diet you had in mind.)


  3. Been there, ate that. You need recipes, girl! Lemme know if you change your mind, and I’ll send some your way. Here’s a favorite:


  4. Whenever I read a detox diet I always think that it would just be easier to enter into a voluntary coma and be fed by saline drip. I get to the end of the “don’t” and they leave off “don’t enjoy life, whatever you do” every time.

    Be wary of ANYTHING that promises you fast, rapid, instant, before-you-know it results but only if you buy something from them. Most will never act on their money-back guarantee. And most have such stringent rules that if you break one, then you naturally think it’s YOUR fault that the danged thing didn’t work. So they end up with your money and you end up with guilt and you still feel like crap.


  5. lilthechic says:

    Wow, you are like a superwoman for even trying. I find exercise and reduced portion size a lot easier. No one, I mean nothing on this earth is taking my chocolate, sugar and sweets away from me.


  6. Chrissiemusa says:

    HAHAHA Pepperoni please 🙂 I love this.


  7. hoops and such says:

    Ha ha ha, so funny.


  8. hrbk2004 says:

    I love food to much to give it up. Now, all I need to do is fill my closet with elastic waist pants and I’m set. :p




  10. can’t get enough of your wit!


  11. schwarzmus says:

    I’ve definitely been there! I tried a detox diet that consisted of disgusting red liquid, disgusting chalk like tablets, and almonds. That’s it. After 2 days I made an emergency run to Taco Bell. Yup… Taco Bell.


  12. Grace says:

    OMG I thought it was just me and my husband that did this…. 🙂


  13. Michelle says:

    About a month ago my mid section was really bloated and actually kind of painful. I researched and found many recommendations for detox diets which was supposed to get rid of the bloating and possibly make me loose 10 lbs (in a week) Bonus. I choose the most simple one I could find. Distilled water, Apple Cider Vinegar, Pineapples, Strawberries and Basil. You let the stuff stew in the water in the fridge, drink the water, eat the stuff and repeat 4 times a day. By the 3rd day I was in the bathroom every 5 minutes. I asked my husband if I should go to the doctor and he said “It’s a detox diet – how did you think the toxins would leave your body, evaporation.” Umm maybe or just maybe I didn’t condisder that. I quit on the 4th day not because I was hungry or because of the potty thing but because I had horrible heart burn and the instructions specifically said to avoid all non prescription medications, especially for hearburn.


  14. I had a similar experience just recently, when I tried detox diet. The partner and I skipped lunch and had only a smoothie. I was at my grumpiest by dinnertime. Hahaha.


    • Rae says:

      I get grumpy hungry so quick. Whenever I’m in a bad mood my husband just goes, “You skipped lunch, huh?” And I’m like, “SHUT UP AND GET ME FOOD!”


  15. thesignorina says:

    This is brilliant. And so true! Who do we think we are? Humans have to eat and that’s ok. All in moderation as generations of parents have told us!


  16. Outlier Babe says:

    Pizza is a tonic, not a toxin.


  17. marniemeow says:

    Haha, I can so relate! Chamomile tea is NOT a good thing to have in the morning! Try peppermint tea, or something with cardamom.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. foxteeth101 says:

    Detox diets are such a myth 🙂 Anything ‘speedy’ and such is a fabrication meant to get you to read/visit/buy and whatnot. Healthy, steady eating with an active lifestyle is really the best way to be healthy. It’s hard, but when is something worth it, not hard to get?

    Loving your blog, by the way! Great giggles!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Lol this sounds just like me and my boyfriend! I go through this like pretty much at least once a week! It never lasts and always ends up with just more crap food consumption!

    Liked by 1 person

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