A Valentine’s Day Story or My Brief Journey into Erotica

This is also a story about why I never got very far in high school Spanish.

Spanish class was particularly boring because I had particularly dull teacher.

She’d do this annoying thing where she’d lean right against the first row of desks and sway back and forth on her feet. (In the picture below she’s supposed to be rocking back and forth. Works on my preview, so I’m not sure why it isn’t showing up on the post, but you can click the image if you want to see it play.)

I actually started to feel seasick once when I sat too close to her, so I started sitting at the back of the class, despite having a reputation for being a good and attentive student. A few of my friends who were less interested in the school experience also sat back there. One friend, whom we’ll call Tina, was more of a daring character than me. After a week of especially boring conjugations, Tina brought in reading material for us.

It was Letters to Penthouse.

I had read a few sordid romance novels before, so I wasn’t a completely naive virgin, but these letters took it to another level.

And that is why I can never think about Spanish without thinking of some really strange and perverse stories involving tigers. So make sure you read your “stories” in a safe environment this Valentine’s Day or you may never be able to conjugate another verb again.

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13 Responses to A Valentine’s Day Story or My Brief Journey into Erotica

  1. Rob Rubin says:

    That’s it? I was hoping she caught you and made you stand in the front of the class and read the letters out loud…in Spanish.

    Like

  2. Elyse says:

    Conjugation is important on Valentine’s Day or so I hear.

    Like

  3. edrevets says:

    I was watching 30 rock with my boyfriend when Kenneth said that women’s hell was the same as a (something) dog’s heaven. We thought the word was aroused but we weren’t sure and so we searched “aroused dog heaven 30 rock quote Kenneth” on google. Needless to say the first links that came up held instructions on how to make love to your dog. Happy Valentines Day.

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  4. As a schoolboy in the nineties and early aughts, I worked very hard to find ways to avoid paying attention in class. My favourite, perhaps for its blatant disregard for rules and decorum was to put comic books in the pages of my text books, where they typically fit perfectly. But it eventually got so bad that I was shoving comics into much squatter books like novels like The Count of Monte Christo (I had read it twice before it was assigned) or shoving five hundred page fantasy novels into my text books (I reread The Hobbit in Algebra, my teacher having given up on trying to teach me to add and subtract letters from numbers). To this day there are X-Men storylines that make me start conjugating Latin, a feat I can no longer perform on my own.

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  5. I remember a fourth-grade history book so boring that one of my less-academically inclined friends and I used to have “speed-reading” competitions to see who could turn the pages faster. Here’s what I remember about Maryland history: Lord Baltimore; Cecil/George/Leonard Calvert; that woman who was a 17th century lawyer but I’m blanking on her name and can’t be bothered to look it up, although I bet I do that right after hitting “Post Comment;” freedom to worship as Catholic that very quickly became anti-Catholic; Francis Scott Key. The book was a squat little volume the color of curry, featuring the title “My Maryland” and a line drawing of the Ark and the Dove which were the ships that brought the first Maryland colonists.

    Margaret Brent. I went ahead and looked her up. Couldn’t take the suspense.

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  6. Ryan says:

    Lol. “Rae, do you have a problem?”

    “I don’t know?”

    I’m in Spanish III right now, but the good part is, my Spanish teacher gives us a lot of leeway as long as we’re nice to her and stuff. So it’s an easy A.

    (Still love your blog).

    Like

  7. bonzoWhale says:

    “Rae, ¿quieres compartir con el resto de la clase eso que estás leyendo?”
    “¡No!”

    Great post 😀

    Like

    • Rae says:

      Now I’m bummed that I didn’t make that the dialog. Want to be my blog post consultant? It doesn’t pay anything, but you can expect some fringe benefits like frustration by having to work with someone with minor OCD.

      Like

  8. keatslover says:

    I know what u mean. i forever associate Psychology class with the teacher scolding everyone while i texted my crush under the desk!:)

    Like

  9. olletron says:

    Oh I HATED Spanish. Just the teacher actually, too. We used to have these stupid vocab tests every week marked out of 10 for which I’d never study because I didn’t take them seriously – when the time came to actually revise, Id do it in my own way. Anyway, I averaged about 8/10 and once she held me back after class and told me I was failing. I was just like D: ???!?!?!?! How is 80% FAILING??!

    Also, did you use Flash to make your animation? If yes, I get the same problem :/ even when I saved it to a .GIF

    It plays in e-mails and the preview but not on the actual page. wtf, w0rdpr3ss???? u mad bro?

    Like

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