Don’t Answer the Phone

I was going to work on a blog post tonight, but I got interrupted and it took up the time I needed to come up with a blog post.

I don’t know why I answered the phone. I really don’t. My whole shtick is that I don’t answer the phone. The husband and I were just laughing because we used up about 10 of our minutes last month and 670 text messages. We have 4,669 rollover minutes. No joke. I’m banking on chance that rollover minutes might be the new currency once the apocalypse happens. That or Cheetos, but really, who can keep uneaten Cheetos in the house?

Anyway, so I answered the phone because I really don’t know. And of course it was bad. They had finally tracked me down. After eight years of showing zero interest and not updating my address, my college alumni association found me. And since I have an unaddressed guilt complex, I couldn’t hang up on her. (Rough interpretation follows.)

Girl: Hi! I’m with your alumni, do you still live at this address?

Me: Um, no. But I’m moving again soon!

Girl: …

Me: [sigh] Here’s my new address.

Girl: That’s great. I see you majored in English, how’s that working out?

Me: Uh, good, I guess. I write and stuff.

Girl: Oh, ok. Did you go to graduate school?

Me: No. Don’t judge me.

Girl: What was that?

Me: I said I have to go in a minute.

Girl: Oh, ok, I promise not to keep you for more than five more minutes.

Me: But I said a minute…

Girl: [Goes on a long spiel about some new building and science curing cancer or something.] So can I count on you for $100 donation tonight?

Me: No, that’s not going to happen.

Girl: Ok, well, we have many payment plan options you can choose from.

Me: No, I really can’t.

Girl: Ok, well, you can make a pledge tonight and…

Me: That shit is legally binding and no.

Girl: Are you sure? We can…

Me: I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR!

Girl: Oh, alright, goodnight.

Me: Ugh

Husband: What was that all about?

Me: The alumni found me.

Husband: Oh, I just always tell them that I don’t have a job.

Me: You’re a lot smarter than me.

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13 Responses to Don’t Answer the Phone

  1. Yeah, the “I don’t have a job” or any income makes it shorter.

    Like

  2. I had to do that job when I was going to my last college. It was awful and I hated it. SO, just so you know, the people calling you hate the call probably as much as you do!

    Like

  3. hannahrose42 says:

    I have worked that job before–I was a Knightcaller at my first college. I hated the job every minute I was there. So just so you know, they probably hated that call just as much as you!

    Like

  4. abraalani says:

    I got a call from the army recruiter once. I pretended I wasn’t myself, but instead the babysitter (implying that the person they were looking for now had a kid and couldn’t join up). He then started asking ME (aka the babysitter) questions! Ack!

    Like

  5. Michelle says:

    Haha – smart husband!

    Like

  6. Frenchroast says:

    Another good one is “Uh, I’m still paying off college loans. Try me again in 20 years when I’m almost done with that.”

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  7. i avoid answering the phone like the plague. this is reason number 3847239754 what i should keep avoiding.

    Like

  8. Haha, I just had this exact same thing happen to me. Luckily the girl wasn’t pushy with the donations. She asked if I wanted her to tell me about donating options, to which I said I was busy (lies!) and would prefer it if she sent me information in the mail.

    By the way it was also the English department, so she has probably picked up on the fact that none of us can afford to just give our money away. Who do they think we are, biology majors?

    Like

    • Rae says:

      Seriously, they should just skip English majors. I mean, have they seen the way the Internet is defiling the English language?! We’re barely surviving!

      Like

  9. angriestpear says:

    Hahaha. I can so relate to this!

    Like

  10. loucyo says:

    LOLOLOLOL! This shit was fucking hilarious! I am dying of laughter right now reading through your posts. I am enjoying the cynical humor filled with randomness that is unapologetically and genuinely funny. Thank you so much for the laughs!

    Like

  11. pratibha says:

    Hahahaha I can so relate to this. Good I changed my numbers! 😀 But they keep emailing me. 😐

    Liked by 1 person

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