A Recap of Defiance That No One Asked For

Oh guys, I did it again. I’m watching Defiance. It’s just so ridiculously bad, I can’t help it.

There’s a new episode on now, but in the last episode I can tell you there was a close-up of some guy in a bar and he was doing a paint by number cat picture, but he also kind of looked like a cat! The future is so crazy!

In the episode I’m watching now there’s a group of people traveling in this van-like tank and one guy was asleep with a fedora over his face. So there you go. The future has figured out how to inhabit other planets but has not managed to get rid of fedoras. Also, the future is cool with plural marriage, except it’s a lady with two dudes! So progressive! And now there’s insinuating sex jokes. The future may be progressive, but ladies having sex is still funny!

One thing I’ve noticed about the future is all alien races have boobs and they’re all in the same places. Sure, weird hair or eye colors, strange obtrusions from the head, different cultural norms, but boobs? Boobs are all the same.

Now I have no idea what’s going on in the show. Too distracted by how alien boobs are all the same. Oh wait, it seems a preacher is double-crossing our hero. Oh shit, wait, he’s dead now, and they all thought they got out clean but now some lady is double-crossing them. She’s an ambassador from New York. I should mention that earth is called the Earth Republic now because, you know, other planets.

(I really hope I’m not actually spoiling this show for anyone. No one else is watching this, right?)

We’re on another plot line right now with a little red-headed alien. I have no idea what’s going on, but she seems to be quite feisty. So red hair also still exists in the future. Not sure if that’s supposed to be comforting or not.

The red-headed girl has something that looks like five butter knives strapped to her back. I think it’s supposed to make her look intimidating, but all I see is five butter knives. They don’t even seem to be special future knives either. Boring. Moving on.

There’s an alien boy playing music on a radio-like station. Haha, he just said he’s going to play some old-world vinyl! It’s the Cure! That’s funny because we still listen to and buy vinyl now, but in the future, it’s like really old and antique-like! The future is crazy!

The episode is ending with some alien/human sex. Don’t get too excited. Again, boobs are the same and they’re using missionary position. What’s even the point of being with an alien? The future is boring.

 

 

 

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13 Responses to A Recap of Defiance That No One Asked For

  1. Eda says:

    I’ve never heard of Defiance and it sounds like that’s a good thing, but it seems that the redhead could be a reference to Little Red Riding Hood and the butter knives are for cutting up apples for her grandma? It’s possible, right?

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  2. speaker7 says:

    The alien boobs show an amazing lack of creativity on the part of the writers. Did they not realize they could make an alien entirely out of boobies?

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  3. They’re still having just plain old vanilla sex in the future? I want no part of that.

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  4. Allow to address some of your concerns:

    1. Fedoras have been around for like, a billion years, and terraforming the Earth unfortunately doesn’t render the land barren to douchebags. We are going to be stuck with fedoras until humans have successfully interbred with the votan and no longer feel the need to cover our bald spots.

    2.Ladies having sex will always be either funny, gross or just plain wrong. Could you imagine if they were allowed to enjoy it? I am pretty sure that is why Rome fell. If women having sex was just a normal part of the human reproductive cycle and maybe a fun activity for Saturday nights; why would we care so much about it now? In the future they’re going to have to care twice as hard to make sure all the ladies don’t switch sides to those liberal castigthans.

    3. And speaking of ladies, how about boobs, am I right? While it is necessarily yucky to imagine naked ladies it is super cool to imagine naked alien ladies. And while SyFy (see how shitty that spelling is SyFy channel?) nerds around the world would argue that this is probably a case of convergent (actually, I am pretty sure that is the wrong word choice but it still looks smart so I am going to leave it instead of researching it) evolution: if one form works than other evolutionary clades will eventually progress to the two boob greatness that humans enjoy. But my argument is that how yucky would it be if someone was about to engage in some interspecies erotica with some interplanetary ginger and discovered that everything was rearranged differently. We are dudes, we barely know what we are doing with our own species! I have even talked to people that still believe in the mythical clitoris. Speaking for humanity: we do not need anything else to confuse us. Also, I think that non-missionary position sex is still a sin in the future.

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  5. I’ve never heard of Defiance but color me intrigued… Or bored. Maybe both.

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  6. Defiance has only been on my radar because a couple of the promos have crossed my path. It looked interesting but not enough to actually watch. Apparently the best bits (as is often the case) were in the promos so I’m good with just reading your review.

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  7. This was my biggest criticism, actually, even though I watch the show and am patiently waiting for all the introductions to be done–because I really miss Farscape. And Xfiles. And Heros. (well, sesaon one) and every other scifi show. I also watch Defiance because supporting scifi and supporting actually, I dunno, actors and writers and drama is better than supporting the Kardashians, but the alien races a bit lacking so far. Star Wars on a shoe string budget did better in the 70s with blue ant men, giant slugs, and wampas. I mean, on Defiance they all are humanoid. Why doesn’t anyone have any extra limbs? Or their mouth in their belly? If there’s a whole race of genetically modified strong-men, then why wouldn’t humans have genetically modified humans? Because you know someone would want cat eyes and a tail. Or Wolverine claws. It would be the new version of plastic surgery. And why do they ALL have white teeth? Why do they all have boobs in the same place? AND WHY DO THEY ALL HAVE THE SAME GENDER ROLES? Even Alien Nation in the 80s had more variation on that scale, with some poor mousy janitor as the birthing coach and the women who instigate the bow-chica-bow-bow. I mean, where’s the race where the women are the dominant sex or the more violent ones? The borg queen comes to mind. And where is the hive mind? Did none of these people read Enders Game? These are the repetitive questions my husband has to listen to every commercial break. Every episode. He might stop watching it with me at this rate…

    Just like you stopped reading this.

    My bad.

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    • Rae says:

      No, I’m totally with you. It’s all very vanilla and I kept thinking, how is this planet any different than earth now? Yeah, you have some different looking “humans,” but everything else is the same.

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  8. Anna says:

    I haven’t seen this, but after reading your review, I just might have to. My boyfriend and I are literally addicted to terrible shows… Hannibal just so happens to be the worst thing we’re watching at the moment, but this sounds like it might just top it.

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