Can We Talk About the Hats in the Future

*A loose recap of Defiance, Season 1, Episode 6. And by loose recap, I mean a lot of random observations.

The episode opens with clothes drying on lines, which I guess is supposed to remind us that in this crazy future we have crazy spaceships, but dryers? Sorry, save your quarters for something else. Maybe the Prime Directive in this future is not to interfere with a species until they develop a laundromat?

The Lawkeeper is chasing a criminal, but some bounty hunter is too. They catch him, but have an intense moment. It’s cool cause they’re friends from the past! It’s such a small universe.

So, there are still file drawers in the future. The future sucks at being paperless. Bet they don’t recycle either, bastards.

Our two old friends are having a drink in a bar. Alcohol and fun colored cocktails still exist. Obviously.

Did I mention that prostitution is an honorable business? How inventive. Yawn. Anyway, the lawmaker tells his prostitute girlfriend that he would “never get between a woman and her work” if she needs to see other clients, including his bounty hunter friend. How progressive. The sex room has a round bed with lots of pillows and curtains. Gross. And there is some sex move called a “six-legged monkey crawl.” Sex in the future still sounds gaudy and boring though.

Now we’re in some 50s style diner that’s in an old train car? The future seems confused about what century (millennium?) it’s in.

The red-headed alien girl, Irisna, is sharpening a knife on a stone. One of the butter knives she wears on her back maybe?

Wait, now a boy is talking to his dad about an earthquake that happened there in 1811? I’m so confused.

Am I the only one who’s noticed that most of the alien-type beings are just some form of albino? Except for the blue strong-armed wide-neck alien and our favorite red-head. There’s the albino aliens with white hair and the albino alien with no hair and little polygon shapes on their skin (remember, polygons are the future).

Just saw a commercial for the Defiance game. I just explained what it was to the husband and his reaction was, “Aw, gross.” Indeed.

There’s a lot of bowler hats and fedoras in the future. I think I’ve mentioned the fedoras before, but don’t forget the bowler hats.

An alien just made a joke about how funny humans look when they’re enraged. That would probably be funnier if I wasn’t human.

A different alien just joked that cooking is usually “a woman’s domain, but he considers himself progressive.” Ha, even alien women need to stay in the kitchen! Sorry ladies, gender roles are the same across the universe.

The future has a lot of super white highly lit rooms. Well, at least the albino aliens do. Now the albino aliens are driving around in some 60s corvette? How did they get these really old Earth cars on Defiance? I think I mentioned this before, but I’m confused.

Oh, just saw the red-headed girl still has her butter knives strapped to her back. It’s good to see that some things don’t change.

The Lawmaker just caught the bad guy and made a speech about how he hopes the criminal will enjoy the terrible death he’ll get on Earth for his crimes, but the bad guy is like, Psyche! They don’t want to kill me, they want to give me a mansion so I can do my highly coveted work but I can get a better deal somewhere else and that’s why the Earthlings are trying to catch me! This pisses the Lawkeeper off, since the cocky bad dude injured some of his men earlier in the episode, so the Lawkeeper just shoots him. This is justice in the future, guys. Get used to it.

This is where I should mention that in the first or second episode some alien dude got tortured all day because he ran away from a fight. Most everyone was totally fine with this was going on. Like I said, get used to it.

Wait, there’s a group of soldiers wearing berets. Now there’s berets in the future too?! WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE HATS IN THIS SHOW?!

A bunch of things are going on with the plot. Don’t even care, too upset about the eclectic grouping of the worst hats in history.

Aw, now the Lawkeeper’s “girlfriend” just told him that she’s booked with clients and can’t do him. But then she’s like, just kidding, you’re just not my type. This isn’t really true though, she just has a hard connecting with people because, you know, she’s a prostitute. Ladies that have too much sex are still emotionless tramps in the future.

Now there’s the worst cover ever of “Have you ever seen the rain?” I’ve ever heard playing. The future just keeps sounding worse and worse.




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11 Responses to Can We Talk About the Hats in the Future

  1. magreenlee says:

    Damn, you’re making me want to watch this show.


  2. The New Madrid Earthquake of 1811 was the biggest continental earthquake in the US – apparently the ground was rolling in waves. And also, how is the future not paperless??


  3. There were a couple of times I almost turned that on because of an almost interesting promo. I am so glad I did not. Thank you.


  4. christie2013 says:

    I love this. Never seen the show, but now I totally want to. Just for the hats, of course. I’ll keep this article handy so I can keep track of who is who. Love your blog, by the way. Kudos.


  5. Some alien ship came looking for a new home of a similar type, which is supposed to explain why they are all boring human looking. We didn’t like it, so we went to war (sounds about right) and there was a big explosion when the mothership crashed and Earth was accidentally terraformed and remade. So many humans were killed, and now they are all trying to get along. It was in a 5 minute blip in the very first episode, but yeah, I still don’t like the whole gender b.s. Or why each alien species is a different group from the Breakfast club: the geek, the jock, the crazy, the princess, and the criminals. Really. I’ll still watch it, but now I’ll be humming “don’t forget about me” and really wishing a really hot young Judd Nelson would walk onscreen. Sigh.


  6. Soul Walker says:

    I am glad justice will stay the same in the future. Justice is one of the best parts of our present, after all.


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