6:45 a.m.: Alarm goes off. I hit snooze 4-5 times.
7:00 a.m.: The husband informs me that there was a large-scale ant invasion in the kitchen in which they tried takeover our pizza boxes. Once again, glad I have a close relationship with my snooze button.
7:05 a.m.: Greeted by the puppy who is super excited to see me, even though she slept two feet away from me all night. Puppy logic.
7:10 a.m.: Shower/mini-torture session due to insane sunburn. Also, a mini-torture session sounds adorable.
7:30 a.m.: Get ready for work. It takes awhile because I’m just a regular human.
8:10 a.m.: Hug husband goodbye and walk out the door to go to work and OH SHIT THE CAT GOT OUT!
8:15 a.m.: Chase cat out on sidewalk where it jumps up and hides under our elevated deck.
8:20 a.m.: Chant softly to bushes trying to lure cat, notice the neighbor is outside smoking a cigarette and staring at me. Try to act like chanting at bushes is a totally normal morning activity.
8:25 a.m.: Crawl into bushes trying to grab cat. He darts further back under the deck.
8:30 a.m.: Consider how many panic attacks I’ll have if I leave the cat outside. Continue trying to catch the cat.
8:35 a.m.: Have lured the cat out again with chanting. Husband sneaks up behind him and grabs him.
8:40 a.m.: Leave for work and I’m really late. Consider how sympathetic my coworkers are likely to be to “had to climb through bushes in my work clothes to catch my escaped cat” excuse.
8:50 a.m.: I’m on the train and in a constant state of annoyance.
9:15 a.m.: I’m the first one to work. Congratulate myself on not sending a warning message about being late to my coworkers.
9:30 a.m.: Make a deconstructed smoothie for breakfast. Just kidding, it’s apples and yogurt.
11:00 a.m.: Really impress my coworkers with my ability to edit a PDF document. Decide to leave it a mystery rather than confessing I have the Pro version of Adobe.
11:42 a.m.: Is it lunch yet? No.
11:43 a.m.: Continue working. Sigh a lot.
12:05 p.m.: Discuss the weird IT problems our office is having. One person suggests it’s maybe the wiring. I suggest a haunting.
12:30 p.m.: Get harassed by the office fly, which refuses to die.
1:00 p.m.: Go to my local depressing salad bar, which has no windows in the seating area. I like it because no one bothers me when I keep reading long after I’ve finished my food. Also, no one else goes there.
2:05 p.m.: My coworker informs me that the office fly committed suicide into a bowl of water in the sink. I feel a little sad. Just kidding, I was about to murder that bitch.
2:52 p.m.: My phone rings and the caller ID says “My Dutch Uncle.” Unfortunately, it turns out that I don’t have a Dutch uncle and people just pick out weird names for their businesses.
4:59 p.m.: Quittin’ time!
5:20 p.m.: About 1,000 people try to jam into a train car that has a 75-person capacity. The train driver is screaming on the intercom, “Be reasonable people!” The people are not reasonable.
5:32 p.m.: There is no AC on the train. I’m dying.
5:40 p.m.: I walk to my parked car, which also doesn’t have working AC. I feel like a champion.
5:50 p.m.: Get home. The puppy freaks out like she thought I was dead this whole time. Puppy logic.
6:00 p.m.: Play with the puppy, feed the cats, feed the puppy.
6:30 p.m.: Exercise since my earlier self slept through the alarm and didn’t exercise in the morning.
6:32 p.m.: Curse my earlier self.
6:35 p.m.: The husband asks why I’m exercising because I exercised yesterday. I glare at him a lot.
7:00 p.m.: Feed myself.
7:30 p.m.: Work on personal projects instead of drawing a blog post.
7:32 p.m.: Feel guilty.
8:00 p.m.: Flip through the channels a lot. Grumble.
8:15 p.m.: Found a show to watch on Hulu.
8:16 p.m.: The puppy rings her bell to be let out. Grumble.
9:00 p.m.: Is anyone still reading this?
9:45 p.m.: Tell myself that I’m going to go to bed early.
10:00 p.m.: Get sucked into the 10 o’clock news.
10:45 p.m.: Oh shit, it’s not really this late, is it?
11:00 p.m.: Go to bed and start falling asleep. Cat that escaped this morning starts pawing my face. Full circle.